Defining Disorganized Attachment

Individuals with disorganized attachment, are usually desirous of love and affection, while at the same time terribly afraid of it. The highs and the lows, Spice of Lifers feel them with such depth and poignancy its hard to know what “steady ground” looks like.  They may view your partners as a place of safety and comfort one moment, and then they may appear like a villainous threat, the next. Therapists would refer to this as “disorganized” or “anxious-avoidant” attachment (sometimes “fearful-avoidant” refers to a similar presentation, though I discuss that in greater detail in the course for Avoidant Attachment 101.).

This style of attaching fast cycles between anxiously yearning to be in a relationship, and a severe dismissal or avoidance of love feelings. Because of this, Spice of Lifers also tend to attract other insecure partners who mirror their inner turmoil. Ultimately, they wind up triggering each other, and frequently the relationship becomes a roller coaster. Due to the higher levels of contrast (or conflict) in their romantic experiences, I consider individuals with this attachment style “Spice of Lifers,” because it is the contrast in life that forces us to expand and to grow. I believe the pain many Spice of Lifers feel is evidence of an even greater calling for spiritual expansion.

In this lecture, we will also explore the strengths of the Spice of Lifer, and how they experience partnership.

10 Ways the Spice of Lifer Sabotages Relationships

Because the Spice of Lifer may not have been able to change their parents into loving caretakers, they might respond to a familiar type of emotional unavailability in their romantic partners. Terrified of abandonment on the one hand, but also fear of boredom and suffocation on the other, they experience a high level of anxiety and often unpredictable or contradictory behaviors.

These behaviors could be described as a combination of both “activating” strategies which include “protest behaviors” (behaviors that protest separation from a partner, and are intend to re-establish contact), and “deactivating” strategies (behaviors intended to put mental, emotional, and physical distance between partners). Activating strategies are normally associated with individuals that have anxious-attachment (whom I call “Open Hearts”), and deactivating strategies are common for individuals with avoidant attachment (whom I call “Rolling Stones”).

As you will learn, however, things are no so cut and dry, with the Spice of Lifer.

Activity: Self Assessment of Anxiety and Avoidance

In your PDF workbook, go to page 15 to take the assessment for your anxiety and avoidance scale.

5 Coping Skills and 3 Strengths of the Spice of Lifer

Examining Ambivalence and Building an Emotional Vocabulary