What Are Your Fears?

Yesterday, we took a look at the power of desire. 

And we clarified that thinking of your desire as being an impediment to living in harmony, is actually an ass-backwards approach, and a LOT harder to do than simply living in sync with your desire. 

We also examined two lies and one truth about desire, in our livestream event. 

Today, I would like to explore more WHY we struggle so much with living in sync with our desires. 

Most obviously, it's because we focus on the NOT HAVING of the object of our desire. 

But today, I want to divorce the object from the feeling, and really dig DEEP into what ‘not having’ REALLY means for you. 

Because, IMHO, it translates to FEAR. 

And fear tends to stand in direct opposition with your wants. 

Why? 

Because sometimes what you THINK you want, is just simply NOT what you NEED.

In this way, “embracing your fears” will actually lead you down the path of discovering your TRUEST desires. 

In other words, if you experience a fear of not having a particular outcome, the fear is acting like that one friend that always tells you the truth, no matter what, even when you want them to lie to you. 

In the context of love and attachment, this can play itself out in 2 common scenarios. 

First, your ego says --(because it thinks it's getting what you need to survive): “No, I can’t let them go. This person is the one for me. I just know it. Look at how good we are together! (When it's good.) I know we can make this work. Just look at all the potential here. I would regret it if I let this go.”

Fear says: “I can’t survive without this person. I’ll fall to pieces. I’m not enough on my own. I’m just better in a relationship. A partner organizes me in such a way I can’t accomplish for myself. It’s just too unbearable to be alone.”

Which forces you to acknowledge the need to witness your own strength and independence (instead of codependence). 

You are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, with the support of friends, family, colleagues and others. 

This is a universal truth. Though, you might tell yourself otherwise, and make a decision to only look for evidence to the contrary. 

Once you have compassion towards yourself, and start feeding yourself what you hunger for, beyond the narrow scope of romantic partnership, you will attract a romantic partner who is not blown over by your needs.

On the other hand…

Maybe the ego says: “I don’t need anybody. And I don’t know how to be emotionally available in the way a partner really needs. They’d be better off without me anyway. I’d just make their life miserable and they’d probably leave in the end. Better to end it now before real feelings get hurt. No harm no foul.”

Fear says: “I am inadequate and could never live up to this person’s standards.  They will overwhelm me, and I’ll lose what precious sense of self I have.  I’ll disappear, if I stay. I’ll fail in the end. And they’ll hate me. I’ll not survive this kind of relationship, or their love. I don’t trust my own resiliency. And I don’t want to be made into a failure.”

Which forces you, ironically, to acknowledge the same need as the above scenario, which is  to witness your own strength and ability for inter-dependence (instead of anti-dependence). 

You are perfectly capable of giving and receiving love without losing your sense of agency or personal freedom. 

Once you have compassion towards your emotional needs, the give and take of relationships will feel less like an all-or-nothing scenario, and you will attract partners that respect your need for space and accept you for who you are.

It’s as if in every scenario, fear--as a mouthpiece for your most essential, soulful self-- is saying to you, 

“Are you sure that’s what you want?  Because I know what would really make you happy. Yet, you keep trying to do/get/be  this thing that I know isn’t going to work. So, I’m gonna give you these super uncomfortable feelings (panic, yearning, striving, judgement, self-flagellation, pain in your gut, tightness in your chest, obsessive thinking, over analysis and intellectualizing, compulsive horniness, addictive tendencies, etc.) until you are FORCED to pay attention to what is REALLY going on here. And the more you fight me on this, the worse it's gonna feel, until you listen to me.”

Getting to the root of your desires means confronting whatever you dislike in your life as a reflection of your own shadow; a mirror of all the parts that you have repressed.

The “you” that is creating your own reality is your transcendental self in its entirety, which means it's more than likely you have limited conscious access to a large part of yourself that is calling in your life circumstances.

However, just because a large part of yourself is not knowable, it doesn’t mean that you have no power to create change in your life at all. 

But To clearly examine your desires, you must step outside of judgment, which is also an expression of fear. 

And that is what today's lesson is going to help you do!